After dropping off Ms. Sassafras (aka 3 year old granddaughter) at Pre-K, I was going to take a nap.
My husband seems to think I should take a nap. Since my new early morning paper route requires me to rise at 4:30 a.m. I have a really difficult time staying awake past 8:00 p.m., hence the reason he thinks I need a nap. He was right, I felt exhausted and was really looking forward to a few z's.
Here is how the rest of my afternoon actually went:
Even though it was colder than Greenland, it was a bright and sunny day. I returned home from the trip to school and was planning on going straight in the house and catching a power nap.
As I pulled into the garage, I remembered something I wanted to do. It wasn't something I REALLY wanted to do, but I thought it needed to be done.
The day before was trash day and for some reason I missed the garbage truck. That doesn't happen very often and I had a whole boat load of boxes, cardboard boxes, that I had intended on setting out for pick up.
I walked up the alley from the garage to inspect a lingering pile of brush. My husband had commented earlier in the day that I could burn the boxes on this pile and it would help to get rid of it. That's what I would do first, burn the boxes, then catch the nap.
I gathered all the boxes and pushed them out the back door onto the deck. I took the first box down to the brush pile. This was a big box and I had stuffed it full of small boxes and some wadded up newspapers that had come in yet another box as packing material. I'm thinking at the time, 'this baby outta burn fast'. I strategically placed this box upon the pile, lit it and went back for the rest of the boxes.
The first box was burning nicely and as I watched it turn into a small inferno, I decided it might be handy to have my rake. I trotted over to the patio, retrieved the rake and returned to my fire.
Now, I must explain a couple of things. First, the brush pile consisted of the long plumes that emerge from my pampas grass. There are nine clumps of this grass that lines the alley and then makes a right angle turn and lines the driveway, towards the house. We love our pampas grass because it gets so big during the summer and it makes for a lovely "green" privacy fence. We usually cut it down about half way in the fall and then cut it the rest of the way right before spring. This past fall, for some unknown reason, all we cut were the plumes so the pampas grass was still about five feet tall and dry......very dry. The pile of plumes were laying about six feet from the row of pampas grass, the very dry pampas grass.
Second, we always accused Mother of being a pyromaniac. She was always setting something on fire. Not intentionally, but on a couple of occasions she did manage to catch the house on fire plus a telephone pole.
So, I'm watching the first box burn, I squished it down with my rake and placed a large flat piece of fresh cardboard on top of it. It was at this time the small voice in my head, that I obviously do not pay any attention to, says to me, "You're really not supposed to be burning boxes in town."
"I know." I told the voice. "But it will all be gone in a few minutes, we're expecting another foot or more of snow in a couple of days so it will be covered up and no one will be the wiser."
The small voice speaks to me again. "Ya know, it's a tad bit windy."
"Leave me alone, it'll be fine."
I decide to heed the small voice, just a bit, and instead of setting the next box, which is as equally big and stuffed full of small boxes as the first one, on the already raging fire, I placed it next to it. I took my trusty rake and drug a small piece of burning cardboard over to the second box. It didn't take long for it to become fully engulfed in flames. "Piece of cake", I'm thinking, nap time is just around the corner.
It was at this time the wind decided to gust. When it did this it blew the second box over. Have you ever seen footage of a forest fire and watched as full grown trees burst into flames in a matter of seconds? That first pampas grass bush went up in flames in a heart beat.
I tried to beat it out with my trusty rake, the second pampas grass bush lights up. I'm furiously beating now, like a windmill on crack, and I've discovered my rake handle ain't near long enough. Man, it was hot! Not only was it hot, my sunglasses were getting so hot, they were burning the area right above the bridge of my nose. I'm thinking my eyebrows are probably toast by this time and if I have any bangs left, it'll be a miracle.
The small voice chuckles, "Tried to tell ya."
"Shut up and help!" I screamed back at it.
By this time the third bush is on fire and not only am I swinging the rake like a crazed idiot, I'm jumping up and down in one spot. That's when I noticed the grass on the other side of this raging inferno is on fire too. I have to run all the way around the row to get to the yard. As I'm beating the hell fire out of the yard, the fourth bush goes up.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket because I'm in deep do do now. I thought, I'll call my son-in-law, he's a fireman and just lives 3 houses up the street. The fifth bush ignites. I told myself, just call the fire department!
The small voice intervenes and says, "You'll have to tell them you were burning boxes."
"Oh hell no!"
The sixth bush, which would be the one closest to the house, takes off. I then notice the trash container, that I made out of wood fencing boards, is beginning to smolder. It sits right where the bushes make the right angle towards the house. I race over there and frantically rake burning leaves away from it. I've given up on trying to stop the domino effect and figure all I can do is watch and make sure the flames don't jump the sidewalk and set the house on fire. My heart was beating so fast, I thought I might possibly have the 'big one', to be found later in a heap by my beloved charred black as coal pampas grass.
The yard was still burning so I ran back around to viciously rake whack it just in time to see the seventh bush try to take fire. By this time I'd had it. I was bound and determined not to lose another huge dead clump of grass, especially this one because there's a telephone pole right next to it. I raked flaming leaves out from the bottom and beat the living crap out of the bush and just like that, it was done. The flames were extinguished.
You know that guy on TV that has all those crazy, insane workout videos? I think his name is Shawn T. Well, let me tell you something, Shawn T. ain't got nothin' on me. I had just done more cardio in 15 minutes than I had done in 15 days of early morning paper delivery. Even though I smelled like brush smoke, I felt good. Gee, maybe I should set things on fire more often. On second thought, maybe I should just run around the block, it might prove to be safer.
Did I take the nap? Nope. I was too fired up.....no pun intended.
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