"Rule of thumb, you're always within three feet of a spider."
Arachnophobia 1990
Gather around the campfire everyone, it's time for a story.
Once upon a time there was a house. This was a very nice house, priced somewhere around $450,000. It set on the edge of a lovely golf course, with a two hole view.
The couple who purchased this house most likely thought it was their dream home. Although I'm not for certain, I'm sure they were probably working their tails off to pay for this house. Even with 20% down and a modest interest rate of 4.5%, a twenty year mortgage would have a monthly payment of $2277.34. That's a lot of coconuts.
The couple moved into this house and most likely set about living 'large and in charge'.
One day, while the female gender half of this couple was taking a shower, a spider fell from the ceiling into the enclosed space in which she was bathing. This wasn't just any ole spider, oh no, it was the dreaded brown recluse! Although I'm not for certain, I'm sure this female left a hole in the shower door in the exact shape of her body as she fled in terror from the spider.
It wasn't long after the shower episode that the owners discovered the brown recluse spider was not alone. It had invited all of its relatives, even cousins two times removed, to live in the house. Spiders were literally oozing from the walls!
The owners called in a spider expert, someone who obviously did not have a big enough imagination when it came to picking an occupation, to evaluate the spider situation. The expert concluded there were between 4500 to 6000 spiders in the house, and this was during the season that spiders don't move around much or play their sneaky spider games.
The couple had no choice but to leave because the lawyers, insurance companies and previous owners were all trying to place the blame on somebody else so no one would have to cough up any money. The couple fled the home, and although I'm not certain, I'm sure as they sped away in their BMW, leaving black marks in the driveway, there was one very fat, full of eggs, brown recluse spider clinging to the tailpipe.
The last aerial view of the house showed it draped in huge tarps. A spider exterminator had been called in and he assured that nothing would be alive in the house when they were finished doing whatever it is that spider exterminators do. Although I'm not certain, I'm sure they wear large solid snowshoe like apparatuses on their feet and carry a flame thrower.
If I were the neighbors on either side of this spider monstrosity, I would demand it be bombed with fighter jets, making sure to leave at least a thirty foot deep crater. Then the surrounding soil would need to be dug out, inspected by the EPA and deposited in some hazardous waste facility.
The End.
"I'll take two snakes and six mice any day over a spider."
Ruth E. Reeves
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