One day, Mother came home from an appointment at the doctors' office. In her purse was a wadded up pair of pantyhose. She had been in a hurry that morning and grabbed a pair of pants she had worn the day before. As she sat in the waiting room, with lots of other Saturday morning patients, she noticed something sticking out of the bottom of her pant leg. I guess, at the time, she didn't think to go to the restroom to investigate.
She reached down and began to pull on this thing and realized they were the pantyhose she had also worn the day before. She said that by the time she got them pulled out of her pant leg, they were about a mile long.
Standing, singing Amazing Grace in church one Sunday, Mother reached around behind her, feeling her dress. She looked at me, between verses and said she had her dress on backwards. I looked and sure enough, the darts in her dress were sticking out the back and the full length zipper was in the front. Thinking this was hysterical, I told the young man next to me and before the last note was played, the entire pew full of people looked as if they had some kind of nervous tick, trying not to laugh.
The original Lela and Blanche, my father's sisters, were notorious for setting the record for taking the longest amount of time to get ready to go somewhere. They always said they had to put on the dog. As a kid, that brought up a peculiar image. Anyway, they had spent the entire morning getting ready to go to town. They went to the dress shop, the bank, the shoe store and then to lunch at the local restaurant. As they settled into their seats, Lela looked at Blanche and said, "Good Lord Blanche, I forgot my teeth!"
The apple did not fall far from the tree when it comes to wardrobe malfunctions. Many moons ago, I had a lovely blue dress hanging in my closet. It had been given to me by my niece. It must be noted here that this particular niece has always been about a size 4, something that I have never achieved, even at birth. One day, I decided I had slimmed down enough to see if the dress would fit. It was a lovely little number. Denim blue with a fitted waist and a zipper on the side. After a slight struggle, I had the dress on. It was shortly after this that the panic began to set in.
It would not come off. I do not know what it feels like to be placed into a straight jacket, but that little blue dress was giving me a pretty good idea of what that experience must be like. I looked like I was having a fight with some invisible entity as I wrestled myself and that dress all over the bedroom floor.
Finally I ran down the stairs, wailing for my daughters to help release me from the blue jaws of death. Upon seeing my frantic state, both of them rolled on the floor, laughing like idiots. I was in no mood for humor, but the more I struggled, the harder they laughed. There I was, kneeling on the floor between them. There they were, one standing in front of me and one behind, tugging and pulling and still laughing like idiots. Right before the decision to grab the scissors, the dress popped off like a cork out of a champagne bottle. They enjoy bringing this up from time to time.
My most recent wardrobe malady came shortly after a trip to the grocery store. This bag-it-yourself store has one isle full of odds and ends that are not usually found in a grocery store. The items change from week to week, depending on what surplus has been purchased for resale. As I perused the shelves, something caught my eye. It was a white bathrobe. As I looked it over, I thought how nice it would be to have a robe, because sometimes it is easier to throw on a robe and decide later what to wear. This was a one size fits all, it had a sash to tie at the waist and it was only $8. How could I go wrong?
Sometimes, a person can find a real bargain. Sometimes, we get what we pay for. Besides the fact that the sleeves of the robe hang six inches off the end of my arms, along with the material being just a hair thicker than a tissue, I shan't be opening the door for the pizza delivery guy any time soon.
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