When We Do

As long as I could keep my head in the sand, then it didn't bother me.  I could ignore the whole of it, the enormity of it, I could act like it did not exist.  Out of sight, out of mind.

It certainly was not something on the wish list.  Nothing I ever wanted to do, or be a part of.  It seemed 'ignorance is bliss' fit the situation well.  I wondered if there were others like me.  Was I just some odd freak of nature with no compassion?  Was it because there are times that I feel the pain of others so intensely that it feels  better to build a wall of safety and non-coherence?  After all, I had been able to skate past this concern for a really long time.  In that respect, I should have considered myself blessed.

My beloved, my better half, my soul mate has a cancer that falls under the heading of multiple myeloma and is a cancer of the blood.  It is not curable, but treatable.  

Being his caregiver, I've had to face this head on and I will be brutally honest, I don't like it.  But, I suppose that no one does.  It's not the role, it's the reason.  No one wants to be sick or see others sick.  It throws such a wrench in the gears.  Bringing all thoughts of future plans and adventures to a screeching halt.  

Although I am a big believer in the idea that cancer treatment is much more profitable than cancer cure, I have been humbled by what I have seen in the place where my husband is receiving his treatment.  This place is huge and I look at all the many hundreds of people who walk these isles daily and I realize they don't want to be there either.  Their dreams and plans were also put on hold.  Their caregiver did not wish to take that position.  They had better things to do.

It's not just cancer.  The lists of things that deteriorate our health is long and never ending.  Sometimes we see it coming and other times it takes the wind from our sails so quickly it leaves us feeling like we are standing over a void so deep, there is no bottom.  

Sometimes, the caregiver needs to weep.  When we do, tiny parts of our soul leaves with the tears.