His mood was so dark and heavy. It felt as if the entire weight of not just the world, but the entire universe was resting on his shoulders. He tried to swallow down a moment of panic. The desperation was nearly as terrible as his mood. The darkness that enveloped him spoke, "Feeling blue?" He tried to ignore it, but that was a lost cause. He could feel it breathing down the back of his neck. It really wasn't concerned about him. He knew what it wanted.
"Yes.", he answered in barely a whisper. "What fun!", the darkness hissed, "Let me see if I can't help you out a bit." He drew in his breath, waiting for the blast. It came, like it always did. "Shall I begin with your most recent failure, or start at the beginning?" The tsunami hit him straight in the chest. The air he held in his lungs was forced out and there was nothing left to breath. Not even a gasp as he rolled head over heels into a sea of vast despair, disappointment and regret. He grabbed his keys and ran out the door, hoping the darkness was too caught up in its cruel game to notice that he had left.
The cold evening air hit him square in the face, offering just a smidgen of respite. He unlocked the door to the truck, jumped in and turned the key. The truck jumped to life and he dropped it into drive, pressed the accelerator hard and sped out of the driveway. He dared not look in the rear view mirror, it could be there.
The lights of the gas station shown like a beacon of comfort and he eased off the gas to make the turn. He pulled up to the pump. He looked at the fuel gauge. This was going to hurt. He felt the heavy cold hand of the darkness trying to drape itself along his shoulders.
He stepped out of the truck, slid his debit card through the machine and began pumping the gas. He was sure he could hear the truck making gulping sounds, it was that dry. He stared blankly at the pump as the digital numbers frolicked gaily on the dwindling balance in his checking account. That desperate feeling began to climb up the back of his throat. Choking him.
The handle of the pump jerked when the tank was finally full. He looked back at the numbers and was sure he felt a little knife blade twist in the center of his back. Right behind his heart. As he placed the pump handle back into its cradle, a black car glided silently past the pumps and pulled into an empty parking spot in front of the door to the stations' convenience center. He watched the car. It was a Jaguar. An older model. It still had the cat on the hood. He always thought it was a big mistake for Jaguar to stop using the 3D version of the cat for the hood ornament but, they had never asked for his opinion. He thought back to a time when he enjoyed watching the television show, "The Equalizer". Robert McCall and the black Jaguar were the perfect match.
He headed for the convenience store and entered behind the driver of the Jag. The driver was an older African American man. He was tall and carried himself with great stature.
He ended up behind the man in the checkout line. "What year is the Jag?" The man turned, smiled and answered, "2009."
"I sure like the hood ornament, I always thought that made them look cool."
Again, the gentleman smiled.
"Does it have a lot of miles on it?" He asked, wondering where this sudden urge to talk to a total stranger was coming from.
The man turned to him again and said, "No." There was an odd moment of silence before the man continued. "No, it does not have many miles on it. You see, my wife passed away four years ago." He raised his arms as to show the vast void that was left in his life and his words trailed off into something that sounded like he had no reason to go anywhere anymore.
They stood silently in line. The older gentleman turned to leave and the younger said to him, "Have a nice evening." The man stopped again. He turned and placed his hand on the younger man's shoulder. He looked him straight in the eye and said, "Thank you son, you have a nice evening too."
The touch of the man's hand was like a touch from a magic wand. Suddenly, the darkness was gone. He walked back into the cold night air and stepped into his waiting truck. In one small sliver of time, he had felt the pain of another human being and it was bigger than what he was facing. He pulled back into the driveway and sat looking at the light in the window of the house. He knew that what was bothering him was still going to be there, but he also knew that behind that door was something else. The love of his life and for the moment, he was most grateful for being able to see what really mattered most in his life. Maybe it was true. Maybe we do entertain angels and never know it.
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